The Story
by thecoffeebringer
Summary: *Finished* Pointless stories have endings? In this case, yes. Legolas saves the world using only his intellect. Ok, the pointy ears helped too. I just want to say how grateful I am to everyone who reviewed, it's really really appreciated.
1. Destruction of the One Ring

Disclaimer: I own nothing but a lovely Pez dispenser collection. Truly  
  
Author's Note: Oh my gosh, I love Lord of the Rings so much, and it was so hard to write a fanfic about the misadventures of Frodo and co. because it just was. But this is my attempt. If it is Lord of the Rings fanfiction you seek, I strongly urge you to read "Dude, Where's my Ring?" because it is the best LOTR story I have ever read and I don't know how they can write that much and be so completely hilarious.  
  
P.S. Hi to bunnyb, the best writer of funny Harry Potter poetry on the planet, even without her asterisks.  
  
Story:  
  
It was a beautiful, sunny, cold and miserable day that dawned on Hobbiton. Frodo woke up and looked out his windows at the brightly colored gray flowers and the quaint little giant hobbit holes across the road. Frodo got out of bed and walked into his kitchen. His very ambiguous friend Sam was already awake and cooking scones and hot chocolate.  
  
"Sam, I think something exciting is going to happen today." Said Frodo, taking the mug of steaming hot chocolate Sam was offering him.  
  
"Really Mr. Frodo? That's strange, nothing exciting ever happens here in the Shire." Suddenly Bilbo appeared.  
  
"Hello all, nice to see you. I must go." Then he grew great fuchsia wings and flew straight through the roof singing "It's Raining Men"  
  
"Well now, that's something you don't see everyday!" said Sam looking at the gaping hole in the ceiling of Bag End. "I think Mr. Bilbo finally lost it."  
  
"Hey look, he left his all-powerful evil ring to me" said Frodo looking at an envelope with a ring in it.  
  
"How do you know it's all-powerful and evil?" asked Sam.  
  
"There's a note on the envelope that says, 'Frodo, this ring is all- powerful and evil.'"  
  
Suddenly, the two hobbits heard voices from the other room. They walked in to see Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli sitting by the fire and talking. Aragorn was knitting.  
  
"Guys, are you sure you like my new haircut? It's not too short?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"No, not at all. I really like it." Said Gimli, "Where did you get it done?"  
  
"That place in Rohan between Fifth and Madison."  
  
"Oh yeah, what's it called? La Moda, I think?"  
  
"Yeah, that's the place"  
  
"It is a very sad day when an elf become the most manly guy in a room." Said Legolas in disgust.  
  
"AAAHHHH! Help me! An elven prince, a dwarf, and an exiled king are trying to rob me!" screamed Frodo running out of Bag End.  
  
"We aren't trying to rob you," said Legolas, "we're here to help you destroy the ring. Gandalf sent us."  
  
"Oh yeah? Well then where is he?" Gandalf suddenly walked in carrying a staff.  
  
"Hello, Frodo. These are my friends, Prince Legolas Greenleaf of Mirkwood, Aragorn son of Arathorn, and Gimli. . . just Gimli. They are here to help you destroy the evil ring your uncle has left you."  
  
"Are you sure there's nobody else who should be coming on our quest?" asked Sam suspiciously.  
  
"Positive," said Gandalf, "the story is shorter this way."  
  
"Good idea!" said everyone in unison.  
  
"Now," began Gandalf, "to destroy this ring we must take it to the fiery pits of Mount Doom. We will face unspeakable evil and blood-chilling horror. Most likely, we will not leave Mordor alive."  
  
"Why don't we just call Captain Planet? He'll destroy the ring right now." Said Legolas, the smart one of the Fellowship.  
  
Everyone except Gandalf agreed this was the best idea. Gandalf still wanted to go to Mount Doom because he thought it would make a better story.  
  
"Fire!" shouted Gimli.  
  
"Earth!" shouted Aragorn.  
  
"Wind!" shouted Legolas.  
  
"Water!" shouted Frodo.  
  
"Heart!" shouted Sam, followed by, "Aww! Why do I get the gay power?"  
  
"You know why." Said Gandalf.  
  
"By your powers combined, I am Captain Planet!" said the Captain. Then Captain Planet destroyed the evil Ring of Power and Sauron let out a great cry of defeat on his dark throne in Mordor, and the shadow was lifted and everyone was happy and giggly.  
  
Then Captain Planet said, "My work here is done" and he disappeared.  
  
"That was fun!" said Frodo.  
  
"Yeah!" said Aragorn.  
  
"Your work is far from over!" said Gandalf cryptically, "You must . . . um . . . embark on a great quest. It's very important. I'm going to see Saruman."  
  
"Why?"  
  
"Just go, I'll meet you at Bree." And with that he departed in a puff of smoke.  
  
The fellowship, which consisted of Aragorn son of Arathorn exiled king of Gondor, Legolas the cute one of the Fellowship and elven prince of Mirkwood, Frodo son of Drogo and former Ringbearer, Sam the ambiguous, and Gimli . . . just Gimli, looked at each other. "Do you guys want to see my scarf?" asked Aragorn pulling out his knitting.  
  
"No, we have to leave. You heard Gandalf, we have to go to Bree." Said Legolas, the manly one of the Fellowship.  
  
  
  
TO BE CONTINUED?  
  
Maybe one or two more chapters, I have a very short attention span. The best way to make sure I never write again would be to not review. *Subtle Hint* 


	2. The Road to Bree

Disclaimer: Tolkien wrote it, but he's dead. I don't know who owns it. New Line? His kids? Not me.  
  
Author's Note: Thank you to all the people who reviewed my story. They are saints. That is: Greenleaf33, Uniquely Oddball, PsycoCatGirl, Patrick Galloway, and vivien. Thank you so much guys!  
  
  
  
Chapter 2: Journey to Bree  
  
At Legolas' urging, the Fellowship set off for Bree. They walked and walked and walked and walked and walked, until they realized that Legolas, the smart one of the Fellowship, was no longer with them. "I think we passed Bree" said Sam.  
  
"Don't worry, I'm a Ranger." Said Aragorn confidently, "I'll find our way to Bree before sunset."  
  
Two months later the Fellowship reached a sign saying "You are now entering Mordor. Enjoy your stay"  
  
"Hmm," said Aragorn, "if I'm correct, I believe we may have overshot Bree by a few miles." So they turned around and walked and walked and walked until they reached a sign saying "You are now entering the Shire. Enjoy your stay."  
  
"I wonder is these signs are standard" mused Aragorn.  
  
"Maybe we should have asked for directions at that sign that said 'You are now entering Bree. Enjoy your stay.'" Said Gimli.  
  
"I don't think so," said Aragorn arrogantly, "I mean if I, a great Ranger, can't find my way to Bree then I am positive a bunch of country townspeople can't help us."  
  
"Well, Legolas must have found it." Said Frodo impatiently.  
  
"That's it!" said Aragorn.  
  
"We go to the Bree sign?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Bree must be a secret city that only elves can enter! Follow me, I have a plan." They walked past the flashing neon signs that said "Five miles to Bree on this path" and "Four miles to Bree. Keep on this path" and "This way to Bree. You're almost there" and "Just twenty steps and you'll be in Bree. Keep going, just keep going."  
  
"Uh-oh" said Aragorn.  
  
"What?!" yelled Frodo.  
  
"We seem to have come to some sort of town. I don't know what it is, though" Replied Aragorn looking at the giant sign saying "You are now entering Bree. Enjoy your stay."  
  
"Maybe we should go in?" said Sam.  
  
"No, we must find Bree!" said Aragorn. It was then that Gimli hit Aragorn over the head with a starfish. Aragorn, being a wimp, was knocked out. When he awoke, he was in a hotel room. The wallpaper had the pattern "Bree Hotel" repeating on it. The sheets and pillows all said "Property of Bree Hotel."  
  
"You guys knocked me out!" said Aragorn to Legolas elven prince of Mirkwood, Frodo son of Drogo and former Ringbearer, Samwise Gamgee the ambiguous, and Gimli. . . just Gimli. "We have to find our way to Bree." Aragorn continued, "My plan is to wear these stick on ears so they'll think we're elves. Now you, Legolas," he said to Legolas, "will already be there, so you can back us up if they see through out disguise."  
  
"Um," said Gimli, "we're actually in Bree already."  
  
"How did you get in to the secret elven city without the funny looking ears?" Aragorn was suddenly knocked unconscious by Legolas, the one with cute ears of the Fellowship.  
  
"Gandalf hasn't been here yet." He of the cute ears said to the rest of the Fellowship, "I think something may have happened to him."  
  
"Well, we did hear something about Saruman turning evil when we walked through Mordor." Said Sam.  
  
"Hmm. We better go to Isengard and check that Gandalf's alright." Said Legolas.  
  
  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Be kind. Review. Even if it's only to say, "You spelled so-and-so wrong" It would be much appreciated so I know someone read it. 


	3. Escape From Isengard

Author's Note: Thank you to all of the people who reviewed. It is appreciated so so so much. Since I posted Chapter 2 that's: Mercuria, slashchick, AkumaTaka, Lesath, Daylight, Lyra Doyle, Queen Greanleaf, Jenn, danichan, Thephoenix, and Chisa and Niko. Thank you!  
  
  
  
Chapter 3: Escape from Isengard  
  
And so the Fellowship set out once again. It was led by Legolas son of Thranduil, the cute, smart, and brave one of the Fellowship.  
  
"Where are we going, Prince of Mirkwood?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"I'm going to Isengard," stated Legolas, "where you boneheads will end up remains a mystery."  
  
"Hey," said Frodo, "it wasn't our fault. Look at our guide." He pointed to Aragorn who had just run into a tree. "Here, play with this, Aragorn." Said Frodo handing him a piece of tin foil.  
  
"Ohhh! Shiny!" said Aragorn.  
  
At that moment, Legolas spotted a company of Uruk-hai approaching with his keen elven eyesight. "I thought we already defeated Sauron." Said Legolas to Frodo.  
  
"They work for Saruman" said Frodo.  
  
"Did you overhear that in Mordor too?"  
  
"Nah. I saw the movie."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"I say there, old boy," said the leader of the Uruk-hai in a polite English accent, "would you mind terribly moving off the road a bit. You see, my mates and I were just passing through."  
  
"You work for Saruman?" said Legolas.  
  
"Why yes, as a matter of fact." Said the leader, "Do you know him?"  
  
"Is Gandalf being held captive?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Why, yes. Is he a friend of yours?"  
  
"Yes"  
  
"Then I fear we must engage in a vicious battle to the death. Not that I enjoy fighting. It's a barbaric custom in which the strong of body have an inherent advantage over the strong of mind. Now a chess tournament! That's the way to solve an argument. Survival of the fittest mind. . ." The Uruk-hai continued to discuss the advantages of a chess tournament over physical violence for many hours. In the mean time, the Fellowship had walked on and reached Isengard. Legolas rang the doorbell and they were admitted into Orthanc.  
  
"Haha! You have fallen into my trap!" said Saruman diabolically, "now I shall steal the One Ring and have all its power for myself. You cannot escape!"  
  
"We already destroyed the ring" said Frodo.  
  
"Oh. Damn."  
  
"Anyway," said Legolas, "could you release Gandalf?"  
  
"Sure, I guess. I put him on the roof. You can take the elevator up there."  
  
The Fellowship took the elevator up to the roof. There, they found Gandalf singing the theme song to "The Flintstones."  
  
"Finally, you came to rescue me!" he said as the Fellowship stepped off the elevator, "It's terrible up here. All day talking eagles and helicopters fly by to ask if I need help. It's such a nuisance. And there are no stairs so I couldn't get down."  
  
The Fellowship which now consisted of Gandalf the Grey, Aragorn son of Arathorn, Legolas prince of Mirkwood, Frodo the former Ringbearer, Samwise the ambiguous, and Gimli. . . just Gimli, decided to take the Gondolas that passed over the roof of Orthanc instead of the elevators. They climbed in and Gandalf told them all he had learned about their quest.  
  
"Since you dolts called Captain Planet to destroy the Ring, we haven't had much of a story, now have we?" said Gandalf reprovingly, "There is a solution though. We've been getting by on jokes, mostly at the expense of out dim-witted King here," He pointed to Aragorn, "but now a great evil has arisen and we must face it and emerge victorious if the world is to survive."  
  
"What must we do?" asked Gimli.  
  
"You will all most likely die horrible deaths, suffer excruciating pain, wander for years, and embark on your quest." Said Gandalf. After a moment of reflection he added, "Not necessarily in that order."  
  
  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Please review, it makes me so happy. You don't have to say much. Just say, "Hey, what's up?" or something. 


	4. In the Forests of Briské

Author's Note: Thank you so much to all of the following people: ~*Spot'sFairy*~, Daylight, Steven, dbzlives, jik, Mercuria. They were really nice and reviewed since I posted Chapter 3. Thank you so much!  
  
Chapter 4: In the Forests of Briské  
  
While on the Gondolas, Gandalf continued to talk about the painful ways in which they might be tortured to death, while Aragorn constructed a crude origami crane from his piece of tin foil. Legolas was reading "The Fountainhead" by Ayn Rand, Sam and Frodo were having a thumb war, and Gimli was throwing starfish onto unsuspecting people below.  
  
". . . and so, after months of starvation and terrible beatings, we may all be forced to watch Josh Hartnett movies. . . " said Gandalf.  
  
"That doesn't sound that bad. I mean Josh Hartnett has done some decent work. " Said Gimli, as he dropped his last starfish.  
  
". . . surrounded by teenage girls!" finished Gandalf.  
  
"Nooooo! The screaming will detract from all the cinematic value of such avant-garde films as 'The Faculty'" said Gimli horrified.  
  
"Where are we going, Gandalf?" asked Legolas.  
  
"To the forests of Briské," said Gandalf, "they're a new addition to middle earth, very evil! It is in the dark and mirky depths of the forest that a great power has arisen."  
  
"What is it?" asked Legolas.  
  
Gandalf paused for a minute in deep reflection, as if the evil he were about to name were so sinister, so diabolical, that the mere mention of it weighed heavily upon his heart and he could not speak. Finally, he summoned his strength, and whispered in his most ominous tone, "Kitties."  
  
There was a moment of silence after this pronouncement which was soon followed by violent fits of laughter from every member of the Fellowship. "Be serious, Gandalf!" said Frodo after he had regained his ability to speak, "Kitties are going to destroy the world? Kitties are going to make us watch Brad Pitt movies?"  
  
"Josh Hartnett!" screamed an obviously annoyed Gandalf, "and yes, the kitties will. They are evil kitties! A powerful elven sorceress rules them. She sends them to do her sinister bidding. Nobody ever suspects the cute, little kitties of mischief!"  
  
"Right," said Legolas, "let me get this straight. A powerful elven sorceress lives in the forest training kitties to do evil and we must stop her or the world is doomed?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"BWHAHAHAHA!" said the Fellowship.  
  
"It's not funny!" said Gandalf, "we're almost there. Watch your step getting off."  
  
The Fellowship was still laughing at Gandalf as they walked past the sign that said "Welcome to the evil forests of Briské. Enjoy your stay." Suddenly the air around them became very thick and heavy. The forest had grown very dense and shut out all sunlight. The trees were black and gloomy. There was no movement or sound, although every few minutes Legolas would kick a tree and say, "I heard that!" Soon the Fellowship had to walk single file as their path had become so thin. Everyone felt as though a great weight had been put on them and their voices were caught in their throats. Everyone, that is, except Legolas who was whistling "Somewhere over the Rainbow." Suddenly, a team of archers surrounded them.  
  
"Don't shoot! Don't shoot!" said the Gandalf the Grey, Aragorn son of Arathorn and exiled King of Gondor, Frodo son of Drogo, Sam the ambiguous, and Gimli. . . just Gimli.  
  
"Hahahahah!" said Legolas bent over with laughter, "Look! Look! Hahahah! They have little bows and arrows! This is the funniest thing I've ever seen!"  
  
Suddenly a beautiful elf clad all in shimmering white robes stepped out from behind a tree. Her skin was pale and smooth as ivory. Her hair was red and cascaded down her back to her knees. She carried a shimmering mithril sword in her fair and well-manicured hand. She stepped over to Legolas who was still laughing and slapped him in the face.  
  
"Estás riendo de mis guerreros gatitos, chico?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"Oh, you are the puny English elf" said the beautiful flame-haired elf in a perfect American accent, "are you laughing at my kitty warriors?"  
  
"Well," said Legolas looking at a fluffy brown and white kitty with a pink bow and an arrow aimed at him, "They're kitties."  
  
"I see your point. We tried to get evil birds to do our bidding, but Sauron ordered the last nine. Kitties are surprisingly easy to train though, and they can be vicious."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No," sighed the elf, "not really, but have you ever tried mounting an evil army? It's not as easy as some people think! Anyway, you are coming with me to see the Queen. She will know what to do with you."  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
This is the part where I shamelessly beg for reviews. Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! Please! 


	5. In the Hall of La Reina

Author's Note: Thanks to bunnyb and Queen Greenleaf for reviewing chapter 4. Additional thanks to my sister, who proofreads my stories and who gave up her monopoly on the computer for a few minutes so I could write and post this.  
  
Chapter 5: In the Hall of La Reina  
  
The beautiful elf led the Fellowship through the murky forests of Briské. Everyone, including Gandalf, was silent for they were held at arrow-point by the fearsome kitty archers. Legolas, the brave and manly one of the Fellowship, was too busy trying to contain his laughter to talk. Finally, Frodo got up the courage to speak. "May a simple hobbit from the Shire beg the name of such a fair and beautiful elven sorceress as we are in the company of?"  
  
"I am not a sorceress," replied the elf, "I am a warrior. As for my name, it is Mercedes."  
  
So the Fellowship followed Mercedes through the woods to a great clearing where a shimmering palace stood before them. Then, they were led into the Great Hall of the Queen. She was a beautiful elf who was dressed in flowing gowns of the purest white. Her blonde hair fell to the floor and she held a scepter which glowed with the light of a star.  
  
"Hola," spoke the Queen, "me llamo Catalina, y yo soy la Reina de Briské. Cómo se llaman Uds?"  
  
"Oh no!" said Gandalf turning white, "she has pronounced our death! We are to be strung up by our ears on the tallest tree and left to be picked apart by the vultures! Horrible, horrible death!"  
  
"Nooooo!" cried the Fellowship running around in circles and knocking each other over.  
  
"Shut up, you puny English people!" said the queen, "you are great fools. I merely said I am Catalina, Queen of Briské. What are your names?"  
  
"I am Legolas," said He of the cute ears, "and these are my companions: Aragorn son of Arathorn and heir of Isildur, Frodo the former Ringbearer, Samwise the ambiguous, Gandalf the Grey, and Gimli. . . just Gimli. We have come here upon the insistence of Gandalf."  
  
"You are welcome all to my court," said Queen Catalina, "we are the Spanish- speaking elves of Briské. We were banished long ago from all other elven civilizations. But soon, very soon, we shall have our revenge!"  
  
"Why were you banished?" asked Sam.  
  
"Because of what we are" replied Catalina, "We are beautiful, intelligent women. People couldn't handle it. They could understand our being beautiful and even mystically wise, but scholarly? No. The other elves mocked us for studying. We have a thorough knowledge of all the sciences: chemistry, biology, physics. We can do Calculus. We write insightful, thought-provoking essays and study the works of great authors. We have been shunned from civilization for our intellectual prowess, but no more. With my army of kitties, we shall conquer Middle-Earth and spread a great shadow over the land, enslaving all who are intellectually defunct."  
  
"You have shiny hair" said Aragorn.  
  
"Why don't you just use your intellectual superiority to mentally dominate people? It's worked for me" said Legolas.  
  
"Silence, puny mortal!" screamed Catalina.  
  
"Hey, I'm an elf too" said Legolas.  
  
"Perhaps you are," said Catalina, "and perhaps you have a point. I will make a deal with you. Find me an extremely handsome man, who is mentally deficient, and King of a great realm. I will make him my love slave and rule his kingdom. Also, you must bring us a passion fruit as a wedding gift."  
  
"Why?" asked Legolas.  
  
"I like passion fruit."  
  
"You want a good looking King," began Gandalf, "who has a huge kingdom, and who is really stupid, and who must be willing to marry an elf? Where in the world will we ever find a guy like that? The world is doomed, doomed I say!"  
  
"Wait a minute," said Aragorn, "let me get this straight. You girls are beautiful AND smart? I don't understand."  
  
"Listen, oh fair queen," said Legolas, tastefully ignoring Aragorn's last remark, "I don't think the idiot king will be a problem, but what in the world is a passion fruit?"  
  
"I am sending Mercedes along with you, as well as the Captain of my kitty archers," said Catalina, "now go! You have one month or your world is doomed!"  
  
To Be Continued.  
  
Who is the idiot king Legolas speaks of? Will the Fellowship be able to find a passion fruit? What is a passion fruit? Is anybody still reading this? If you are, tell me what you think should happen. I probably won't listen to you, but hey, I'll have gotten you to review. Mwahahaha! Come on, it takes 2 seconds. Please! You don't have to say anything of value whatsoever. 


	6. The Breaking of the Fellowship

Author's Note: I must give my profuse thanks to the following extremely nice people: reiko-chan, Hello (I bet that's not their real name), anti- gravity, shadow, Queen Greenleaf, Phoenix Satori, Anele Greenleaf, briské, Asteria, Wildwolf, akai risu, AkumaTaka, and Mercedes O'Neill. Yay, thank you so much!  
  
On a side note: Has anyone else seen "The Faculty?" All I did was yell at the TV, "No! You stupid alien, you better not hurt Frodo!" My friends thought I was pretty weird. Don't even get me started on the Matrix when Keanu Reeves tries to hurt Elrond.  
  
Chapter 6: The Breaking of the Fellowship  
  
The Fellowship left the forests of Briské with Mercedes, the beautiful elven warrior, and Fluffy, the Captain of the Kitty archers. The eight of them set up camp for the night.  
  
"I hardly think that staying in a four-star hotel qualifies as 'setting up camp' Gandalf," said Legolas.  
  
"Well, we needed a good night's sleep. Tomorrow we must make the long and treacherous journey to Gondor so Aragorn can reclaim his throne. There will be many perils for the road to the White City is wrought with danger."  
  
"Gandalf, we're staying in the Gondor Hotel" said Legolas, "I don't think it will be a hard journey to the castle."  
  
"What a minute," said Aragorn, "I thought we had to find an extremely good- looking, powerful, and stupid king. Why should I waste time reclaiming my throne when I should be looking for him?"  
  
The Fellowship looked at each other without speaking. Then Gimli said, "Why don't we split up?"  
  
"Why?" asked Gandalf.  
  
"Well, Aragorn can't claim his throne alone, and we have to find a passion fruit."  
  
"Gimli, that's remarkably intelligent," said Gandalf surprised, "Have you been talking to Legolas?"  
  
"We bonded in Briské," said Gimli, "now we're best friends. Just goes to show you that even in the darkest times, the worst of enemies can put their differences aside."  
  
"They cut that out of the movie," said Frodo helpfully.  
  
"All right, then it is decided," said Gandalf, "we shall break the Fellowship. Frodo and Sam will accompany Aragorn while he reclaims his throne. Gimli, Legolas, and the cat chick shall accompany me while me travel to Isengard to seek the council of Saruman."  
  
"Gandalf," said Mercedes, "Do not refer to me as 'the cat chick' and Saruman is evil."  
  
"How do you know?"  
  
"I saw the movie too."  
  
"I have a broken sword," said Aragorn.  
  
"Nobody cares" said Gandalf.  
  
  
  
In the morning, Aragorn son of Arathorn and heir of Isildur, exiled King of Gondor, Wingfoot, Longshanks, Strider, Elfstone, and he who possesses the broken sword that cut the Ring from Sauron's hand but which never really does anything important except make people go "oooh, ahhhh!" set out to reclaim his throne. Frodo and Sam went too.  
  
Aragorn was singing, "I love the fishes 'cause they're sooo delicious. Gone goldfising!"  
  
"Aragorn, stop singing," said Frodo, "I was entrusted on this mission to get you to the castle and convince the Steward to hand over a really sweet job that's been in his family for thousands of years, and you're singing!"  
  
"Gondor has no king; Gondor needs no king," said a deep voice from behind them.  
  
"Wow," said Frodo, "are you the son of the Steward, Boromir?"  
  
"Yes," said the deep voice.  
  
"I am the King," said Aragorn in his most kingly voice, "gaze upon my broken sword and bow to me!"  
  
"Wow!" said Boromir, "a broken sword! You must be the king! Now I will follow you even to my own death. Let us skip to the palace." And so, Aragorn, Boromir, Frodo, and Sam skipped up the road to the palace.  
  
When the companions reached the palace, they were greeted by Denethor II, Steward of Gondor in a really big room. "Welcome to the Palace of Gondor, this is my really big room. Do you like it?"  
  
"Very much," said Aragorn, "but now, I have to take it away from you because I am the King."  
  
"No you're not"  
  
"Yes I am. Look at my broken sword."  
  
"Ooooh! You have the broken sword of Isildur! Now I will give up my lavish palace and rule of the City to you."  
  
"Excellent"  
  
Frodo looked at Sam and they both shrugged. "Well," said Frodo, "it's an absolutely horrible way to run a government, but at least he's king."  
  
"I am the king! I am the king!" chanted Aragorn improvising a celebratory dance in the big room, "Hey! I just thought of something. Now that I am the extremely good-looking king of a huge realm, I can go look for the idiot king that the hot Spanish chick wanted."  
  
"Um," said Frodo trying to restrain himself from running over and slapping Aragorn, "Don't worry about it. I'm sure Gandalf will find one for her."  
  
"Okay then," said Aragorn, "let's have a feast!" And so there was a great feast in the palace of Gondor and all the citizens of the City gazed in wonder for their King had returned and brought with him the broken sword of Isildur, which all agreed was very impressive and shiny.  
  
"Hey look," said Aragorn as dessert was brought in, "what are these funny looking fruits?"  
  
"These are called passion-fruit," said the server, "they are tropical and average about three inches in diameter. The passion fruit has a thin rind of either a yellow or purplish color. Inside, they contain a tart juice and pulp as well as hundreds of edible seeds. The passion fruit is so- named because of its beautiful flower that reminded monks who saw it of the passion (crucifixion) of Christ. The passion fruit is only grown in Gondor and is a favorite of the rumored Spanish-speaking elves. The fruits you see before you are the very last of the harvest. You will not see another in Middle-Earth until the next harvest."  
  
"That's interesting," replied Aragorn, "let's eat them." Frodo and Sam had been telling the Gondor ladies about their heroic destruction of the ring and had not overheard this exchange.  
  
"Hey," said Sam, "what are these funny looking fruits?"  
  
"These. . ." said Aragorn, who had forgotten their name but didn't want to sound dumb on his first day as King, "these are called purple. . . berry. . .yummyfruits."  
  
"Purple berry yummyfruits?" asked Frodo.  
  
"Yes."  
  
And so the people of Gondor ate all the purple berry yummyfruits, leaving none left anywhere in Middle Earth for at least a year.  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Wow, that was a long chapter!  
  
Next we will rejoin the other members of the Fellowship as they search for a passion fruit. Tell me what characters they should meet. If you want to, of course. If not, please review. Please! Just pretend I'm Orlando Bloom wearing my elf ears and asking you to review. Could you really say no to Orlando? What about Elijah? Come on, I sat through "The Faculty" for him. 


	7. The Council of Elrond

Author's Note: Thanks to Obi-thias (for reviewing 6 times as a matter of fact), Wings of Faith, Twinkle, Wildwolf, reiko-chan, bunnyb, and Hello. Most sincere thanks to all of you.  
  
Chapter 7: The Council of Elrond  
  
The Fellowship had traveled through many trials together. They had called Captain Planet to destroy the ring, rescued Gandalf from Isengard, been captured by Kitty warriors in the forests of Briské where they had met the elven queen Catalina. She had given them a choice: find an extremely good- looking, powerful, and stupid King willing to marry her, and a passion fruit within the next month or she would spread her shadow over all of Middle Earth. The Fellowship had broken. Frodo, Sam, and Aragorn had gone to reclaim the throne of Gondor, and the others followed Gandalf.  
  
"Where are we going, Gandalf?" asked Legolas.  
  
"To Rivendell, to seek the counsel of Lord Elrond," replied Gandalf, "to get there more quickly, we must take the Paths of the Dead."  
  
"No." said Gimli.  
  
"Come on, please?"  
  
"No."  
  
"All right then, can we at least steal something to ride there?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
So Gandalf the Grey, Legolas son of Thranduil and prince of Mirkwood, Mercedes the Spanish-speaking elf of Briské, Fluffy the captain of the Kitty archers, and Gimli. . . just Gimli took the subway to Rohan where they stole dune buggies and rode to Rivendell.  
  
"Welcome all," said Lord Elrond, "Congratulations on destroying the Ring so early in the story."  
  
"Thanks," said Legolas and Gimli.  
  
"We have come on a quest," said Gandalf, "we must find a passion fruit."  
  
"Interesting," said Elrond pensively, "let me call a council of the free peoples of Middle Earth to determine how best to find a passion fruit." So the Fellowship waited in Rivendell for two weeks while representatives from every race came to Rivendell to discuss the new threat of the Queen Catalina.  
  
"Okay," said Elrond when they were all assembled at a secret meeting, "we have a problem. Queen Catalina, the leader of the very powerful Spanish- speaking elves, has threatened to conquer the world and make it evil. Aragorn has reclaimed his throne in Gondor, but there are no passion fruit anywhere in Middle Earth as the other members of the Fellowship have eaten the last ones in existence while I was waiting to call this council. I suggest we all run in circles panicking." This is what they did.  
  
"Wait a minute!" screamed Legolas over the panicking, "Sit down!"  
  
"What do you want?" asked Elrond, "the world is doomed."  
  
"If there were no passion fruits anywhere in the world, why did we wait two weeks to call this secret meeting? Couldn't you just tell us?"  
  
"It makes a better story this way," said Elrond. Gandalf smiled his approval.  
  
"Instead of panicking," said Mercedes, "why don't you tell us where we can find an Internet-ready computer so we can order a passion fruit online."  
  
"Well," thought Elrond to himself, "I have one in my house, but. . ."  
  
"There is an Internet-ready computer," said Elrond aloud to the Council, "it is deep within the caves of Moria. None have ever been able to use it, for it is defended by a demon of the ancient world."  
  
"Excellent," said Gandalf, "we'll go to Moria."  
  
To Be Continued  
  
Legolas travels to Moria. Some other people go too, but Legolas is all that matters, isn't he?  
  
Thanks to all the people who have reviewed, I will no longer beg. I will rely on the good hearts of the readers. 


	8. Moria

Thank you so much to the following people who reviewed my story: Trinity, Wildwolf, and Mercuria. Thank you nice people.  
  
Author's Note: Since fanfiction.net only crashes when I'm about to post something, I think I'll add an author's note. Orlando Bloom is hot.  
  
Chapter 8: Moria  
  
The Fellowship of the Passion Fruit rode their stolen dune buggies to the entrance of Moria. There, Gandalf read off the elven inscription on the door, "It says," began Gandalf, when suddenly one of the dune buggies spontaneously combusted making part of what Gandalf said inaudible. ". . . speak friend and enter." he finished.  
  
"My dune buggy blew up," said Gimli.  
  
"Who cares?" said Gandalf.  
  
"How do we get in?" asked Mercedes.  
  
"Well. . ." began Gandalf.  
  
"I didn't ask you," said Mercedes tactlessly, "I asked Legolas. Oh, he's so dreamy! I just love those cute ears and he's so strong and valiant!"  
  
The Fellowship turned around and stared at her, even Fluffy.  
  
"Oh," said Mercedes turning red, "that last part was supposed to be an interior monologue. Oops."  
  
"Hey," said Gandalf, "enough fluff in this story! We must go to our certain doom in Moria. Legolas, the crazy cat chick is right."  
  
"You like my ears?"  
  
"No. . . well. . . that's a different story. I meant, you are the only one smart enough to get in. Open the doors."  
  
"Well, the wall says. . ." suddenly another dune buggy exploded, making the first part of what Legolas said inaudible. ". . .speak friend and enter." he finished.  
  
"My dune buggy blew up." Said Mercedes.  
  
"Who cares?" said Gandalf.  
  
"Ahem," said Legolas, tapping his cute little foot impatiently, "I wasn't finished. It says below that, 'Out of order, please use side door.'" So the Fellowship walked to their right until they found a side door.  
  
"It says," began Legolas, "turn knob and pull."  
  
"It won't budge!" said Gandalf, "the earth is doomed, we all might as well. . ."  
  
"You're pushing, Gandalf. You have to pull."  
  
Legolas opened the door and the Fellowship walked inside. It was very dark and they could not see anything. "Which way, Gandalf?" asked Legolas.  
  
"To the Visitor Center!" said Mercedes. So they went to the Visitor Center where they obtained a map of Moria, step-by-step directions to the Balrog, information pamphlets about the history of Moria, and complementary buttons and bumper stickers. Then they followed the directions to the cave of the Balrog.  
  
"Hello there," said Legolas, stepping into the dark cave, "is there a demon of the ancient world in here?"  
  
"He's so brave!" said Mercedes, "Legolas, watch out!"  
  
A great fiery beast had appeared in the cave. "Fly you fools!" said Gandalf. The Fellowship ran across a bridge and Gandalf turned around to confront the Balrog. "You shall not pass!" he screamed.  
  
"Try to stop me," said the Balrog.  
  
"Okay," said Gandalf.  
  
"I bet you can't"  
  
"I bet I can"  
  
"No you can't, I'm a demon of the ancient world. Nah nah!" Gandalf slapped the Balrog, who started to cry.  
  
"That was so mean. I have feelings, too." Suddenly, the bridge collapsed under them and they both fell into a bottomless pit.  
  
The Fellowship contemplated what had just passed for a few minutes. "That was unexpected" said Gimli finally.  
  
"I guess even if you bring in Captain Planet to destroy the Ring in the first chapter, you're still a slave to the books." Said Legolas.  
  
"Let's find the computer!" said Mercedes, "and so then my queen will get married to Aragorn, and Legolas and I can get married and have wild, passionate. . ."  
  
"NO FLUFF!" echoed Gandalf's distant voice from the chasm.  
  
"I think I lost my interior monologue," said Mercedes turning red again.  
  
The Fellowship walked back across the bridge, even though there was a gaping hole in it. They found the cave of the Balrog, and within it was the precious computer. The Fellowship placed an online order for a passion fruit and paid for it with the Balrog's credit card, which they stole from his pants.  
  
Then the Fellowship crossed over the bridge with the gaping hole in it again and exited Moria. "We'll have the passion fruit in a week and hopefully Aragorn reclaimed his throne. The world is saved!" said Gimli.  
  
"Should we go to Gondor, Legolas?" asked Mercedes.  
  
"Gandalf wouldn't have wanted us to," said Legolas.  
  
"He probably would want us to go someplace evil," said Gimli, "let's go to Lothlórien. I hear there's lots of evil there, really scary."  
  
"Not really" said Legolas, "there's no evil, unless you bring it in with you. If you bring it in, you have to declare it at customs and it takes a long time because of all the red tape. Most people who go to Lórien just leave their evil at home."  
  
"That's interesting."  
  
"I know."  
  
"Let's go anyway."  
  
TO BE CONTINUED 


	9. The Battle of Lórien Customs

Thank you to all the people who reviewed, I used one of your suggestions. I also gave Frodo a better part at someone's insistence. It's a pointless chapter, but I just took a break from my paper on "Antigone," so we have a little of the Greek tragedy element here. I know you're all just dying to read it now.  
  
  
  
Chapter 9: The Battle of Lórien Customs  
  
The Fellowship of the Passion Fruit traveled to Lothlórien, leaving all their evil in the mines of Moria so they wouldn't have to go through customs. Their hearts were full of sadness for Gandalf. They kept walking until they reached the Golden Wood, where an elf with long blonde hair came to meet them.  
  
"Did you bring any evil with you?" said the elf.  
  
"No," said Legolas, "we left it all in Moria."  
  
"Excellent, what about sadness?"  
  
"Um, I didn't know we couldn't bring sadness into Lórien," said Legolas.  
  
"New rules. You'll have to leave it behind or check it."  
  
So the Fellowship spent two hours in line waiting to check their sadness. In the meantime, Aragorn, Frodo, and Sam had already ridden to Lórien and were also waiting in line at customs. Aragorn, unaware of the rules, had brought his evil with him. The Fellowship approached their friends.  
  
"Hi guys!" said Gimli, "Is Aragorn king?"  
  
"Yes," said Frodo.  
  
"Wonderful," said Mercedes, "now nothing stands between me and Le. . . holycrapyouhaveblueeyes!"  
  
"I know" said Frodo, "I use them to disorient people. Now you find me irresistible."  
  
"I don't find you at all attractive," said Mercedes, "but those are some BLUE eyes!"  
  
"Mine are cuter," said Legolas, completely out of character.  
  
"Well," said Mercedes, "I don't judge cuteness by eyes. You'll both have to take off your clothes for that one."  
  
"Sure!" said Frodo and Legolas, very out of character again and they began to take their clothes off.  
  
"Ohmygosh!" cried a lot of screaming girls, "Oh! Oh! He's so gorgeous! He's mine!" The girls continued screaming wildly, shouting propositions so lewd and obscene in nature, that they cannot be retold in this story.  
  
"How is that even physically possible?" wondered Legolas.  
  
"Wouldn't you strain something?" asked Frodo.  
  
Suddenly the mob of girls turned from obsessive to violent. They began arguing who was cuter, Legolas or Frodo.  
  
"Look at the eyes!"  
  
"Look at the ears!"  
  
"He's so little!"  
  
"He's so tall!"  
  
Then the fighting began. On the edges of Lothlórien, in the customs line, an epic battle was fought. It would by retold in stories and songs of great kings and weary travelers. The Battle of Lórien Customs, so named because of its location, pitted blue eyes against pointy ears. There was hair-pulling, vicious name-calling, eye-poking, shin-kicking, and a great deal of terrible screaming. Mercedes, the beautiful elven warrior with long fiery hair stood aside watching the great battle next to Legolas and Frodo. Then, the fairest of elves made a fatal mistake.  
  
"How silly those girls are," she said, "when I'm going to marry Legolas anyway!"  
  
A nearby girl heard this proclamation and dragged the lovely elf by her beautiful hair into the vicious battle.  
  
"It's okay, though" said Mercedes, "I'm an elf. I'm immortal. Ha ha, do your worst!"  
  
"Mercedes," yelled Legolas to her, "elves can't die of old age, but they can be slain!"  
  
"Oh, shit" said Mercedes quickly getting out of the battle.  
  
The Battle of Lórien Customs continued for a long time, and when the sun set on the battlefield, the bodies of thousands of young girls littered the ground. And it would long be said that there was no winner of the great and epic battle, only great fools who had given their lives to a stupid cause.  
  
"That was a pointless chapter" said Gimli.  
  
"It was almost as pointless as the Battle of Helm's Deep" said a very attractive and still half-naked Legolas.  
  
" 'almost' being the operative word" said Frodo.  
  
"Who were they?" asked Mercedes.  
  
"They were girls of Gondor," said Aragorn sadly, "they followed me here because they loved me, but when they laid their eyes on Frodo and Legolas, their fickle hearts turned from me."  
  
"I see," said Mercedes.  
  
"What?" asked Gimli.  
  
"They died because of you," she told the Fellowship, "you upset the díke (pronounced Dee-kay), the natural order of things, by summoning Captain Planet in the first chapter. It was an act against nature, and for the díke to be restored, a huge and pointless battle had to be fought."  
  
"Interesting. Where are we going now?"  
  
TO BE CONTINUED.  
  
Um. . . yea, it was stupid I know. It's my first day back at school, and I'm ready for another vacation. I told bunnyb to have her story end with everybody dying because Aura upset the dike, but she didn't. So I did, and there's nothing you can do to stop my Sophoclean allusions. (evil laughter) 


	10. Galadriel and Characters left out of the...

Thank you so much to people who reviewed. I am profoundly thankful.  
  
Chapter 10: Galadriel and Characters left out of the Story.  
  
After the pointless Battle of Lórien Customs, the Fellowship decided that the only logical place to go was into Lothlórien, as they had originally planned. So they continued to stand in line at Customs until they had finally declared all their sadness and evil. After doing so, they were admitted into the Golden Wood.  
  
"Hi guys!" said two sprightly hobbits.  
  
"Who are you?" asked Legolas.  
  
"We're Merry and Pippin," said one of the hobbits, "and these good people," he gestured to a group, "are Arwen the "usurper of parts"; Glorfindel, Tom Bombadil, and Goldberry the "left out of the movie"; Gollum the "creepy dude with a lisp"; Faramir, Eowyn, Theoden, and Eomer the "I didn't want to put them in my story"; and all the people from the Battle of the Pelennor Fields the "hard to keep track of."  
  
"I like your epithets" said Frodo.  
  
"Thank you," said Merry and Pippin, "Unfortunately we must leave. We're going to the circus." With that they all rode out of Lothlórien on lavender turkeys headed for the circus.  
  
"Hello!" said a voice behind them.  
  
"Gandalf!" said Frodo, "you're alive!"  
  
"How did you know I died?"  
  
Frodo made his explanation for mysteriously knowing everything that happened while he was in Gondor and summed up the secret of the universe in one sentence. Unfortunately, a dune buggy spontaneously combusted while he was talking and made his words inaudible to the audience.  
  
". . . and that's the secret of life," he finished.  
  
"My dune buggy blew up," said Legolas.  
  
"Who cares?" said Gandalf.  
  
Then the reunited Fellowship walked through the beautiful woods until they met Galadriel.  
  
"Hello," she said in a misty voice, "I am Galadriel. Welcome to my realm. I can read your minds you know."  
  
"Usted me expelió de aquí," said Mercedes in a haughty voice.  
  
"You are a Spanish-speaking elf," said Galadriel in a calm voice, "we do not understand you."  
  
"Eso es porque usted es estúpida," said Mercedes, "y su bosque es muy feo, como tú."  
  
"She says that she misses her home here," said Galadriel, "She used to reside in these woods before I kicked all her kind out. I learned Spanish."  
  
"Um," said Legolas.  
  
"I know what you are thinking," said Galadriel, "but I'm already married to Celeborn the purposeless."  
  
"I didn't. . ."  
  
"I am all-powerful and all-knowing!"  
  
"The Spanish chick said. . ."  
  
"Look, I can make myself scary looking!"  
  
"Would you please listen. . ."  
  
"Ooooooh! Be afraid!"  
  
"Shut up!"  
  
After Galadriel made herself evil looking and started threatening to turn the Fellowship into shellfish and spread a reign of terror over all who eat whipped cream and pop tarts, they decided they'd better go to Gondor and send word to Queen Catalina that everything had worked out as she had requested.  
  
They left the Golden Wood and were just about to hop the double-decker bus for Gondor when they saw a group of trees walking towards them.  
  
"We're Ents" they said.  
  
"Cool," said Frodo.  
  
"Did we miss the circus group of all the characters not in the story?"  
  
"Yea,"  
  
"And the author's to lazy to scroll up and add us?"  
  
"She types these things pretty fast."  
  
"Oh. We lost our girlfriends you know"  
  
"Who cares?" said Gandalf.  
  
With that the forgotten Ents left the story forever, and the Fellowship continued on their way to Gondor.  
  
To be continued. 


	11. Catalina comes to Gondor

Yay for all the cool people who reviewed!!!! It makes me so happy!  
  
Chapter 11: Catalina comes to Gondor  
  
The Fellowship all climbed onto their bus and sped off for Gondor. In twenty-seven minutes, they made it to the palace which had been decorated in honor of the homecoming of their exiled King. All who looked on the great castle with its regal flying banners and great golden trumpets agreed it was very pretty and shiny. A few days later, the passion fruit was delivered to the palace, and a messenger was sent to call Queen Catalina to Gondor. Unfortunately,  
  
"He was killed by the kitty archers?" said Legolas incredulously.  
  
"I told you they could be vicious" said Mercedes, "I wish they had ripped off all your clothing and left you in only your pointy ears and a smile."  
  
"NO FLUFF!" bellowed Gandalf from the King's big room.  
  
"Then find my interior monologue for me!" said Mercedes blushing furiously.  
  
"Anyway," said Legolas, "it says in the report that he was licked and 'cuddled' to death."  
  
"We'll have to send a new messenger," said Mercedes, "and I think that shirt is very becoming on you, then again, if I were on you I'd be…"  
  
"NOOOOOO!" yelled Gandalf.  
  
"It's not my fault!"  
  
So another messenger was dispatched to the woods of Briské, but was again killed by the fearsome kitty archers. So it was decided that Mercedes and Fluffy should go.  
  
"I won't go without Legolas" said Mercedes.  
  
"I'm not going with you," said Legolas backing away, "you'll attack me in the night and steal my clothes."  
  
"Oh no!" said Mercedes despairingly, "I knew Lauren was right. You don't like girls."  
  
"Hey wait a minute," said Legolas, "I like girls! In fact I'm going with you!"  
  
So they traveled to Briské, which was very awkward for Legolas as he had to go shirtless into the realm of the Spanish-speaking elves. His shirt had been taken, he was told by Mercedes, by a savage herd of antelope.  
  
"I fought bravely to defend it, but they overpowered me. They have horns. Seriously."  
  
When they reached the forests, they were ambushed by a small group of kitty archers. Fluffy spoke to them and the three companions were escorted to the palace of Queen Catalina.  
  
"Hola Mercedes," said Queen Catalina.  
  
"Hola," said Mercedes.  
  
"We found you an extremely good-looking and stupid king of a huge realm and a passion fruit." Said Legolas.  
  
"Excellent," said the fair queen whose long blonde hair streamed to her feet, "I'm sorry about your messengers."  
  
"That's okay."  
  
"Oh, by the way, Mercedes," said the queen, "you left your interior monologue here. Lauren's been keeping it safe for you."  
  
"Bonjour" said a voice from behind them. There was a human girl in fuchsia robes. She had light brown hair and green eyes, "oh, Mercedes! We 'ave been zo vorried about you! I 'ave been keeping ze interior monologue for you." She said in a thick French accent.  
  
"She called one too many elves girly and they stripped her of the immortality and intelligence she possessed as a Spanish-speaking elf," Mercedes whispered to Legolas.  
  
"You told Mercedes I was gay in an earlier paragraph! I had to come here shirtless with a psycho to prove my manliness" said Legolas to Lauren, "you shall pay for this!"  
  
"Zorry," said Lauren.  
  
Mercedes, Fluffy, Lauren, Queen Catalina, and a still-shirtless Legolas traveled back to Gondor with an escort of kitty warriors. They were welcomed to the court, and Queen Catalina the fair elven queen was presented to Aragorn son of Arathorn and ruler of Men as his bride.  
  
"Cool," said Aragorn.  
  
"No!" screamed Lauren, "I vant to marry ze hot, sexy king!"  
  
"Too bad," said Gandalf.  
  
"No! I vant to be queen! L'etat c'est moi!" she screamed.  
  
"Well, it's up to Aragorn to decide which of these girls that he's never met before will be his queen," said Gandalf wisely, followed by, "Ooooh, a cliffhanger, it's so exciting!"  
  
To be continued.  
  
Yes, l'etat c'est moi is the only thing I know how to say in French. "The state is me (or mine, not sure)" –Louis XIV. As always, reviews are a good thing. 


	12. Revelations and The End

Author's Note. Thank you to the people who reviewed. It was supremely nice. As always, your feedback is much appreciated.  
  
Chapter 12: Revelations and The End  
  
"Okay, Aragorn," said Catalina, crossing her fair arms and giving him an evil look, "decide whether you want to marry me—a gorgeous, blonde, eternally young elven queen, or the French twit."  
  
"Oh, oh, oh" said Lauren, "Pick me, I vill be nice queen."  
  
"Gandalf?" said Legolas.  
  
"What do you want?" asked Gandalf annoyed, "this is the really dramatic part, the final confrontation. What a great story this will make!"  
  
"Why are you giving Aragorn the choice? Doesn't he have to marry Catalina or the world is doomed?"  
  
"I want to marry Lauren," said Aragorn.  
  
"Excellent," said Gandalf under his breath, then, "Oh no! The world is doomed! Doomed! All has been in vain, we're all dead!"  
  
"You planned this, didn't you?" asked Mercedes.  
  
"It makes such a tragic story, truly epic!" said Gandalf.  
  
"And you told me to," said Aragorn, looking confused, "you told me I had to or. . ."  
  
"Shut up, you fool!"  
  
"Wait a minute," said Legolas, looking from one member of the Fellowship to the next, "you knew! You knew all the time!"  
  
"Of course we knew," said Frodo in an eerily calm voice, "it was the only way. We were sick of all those 'parodies' in which we acted stupid, not to mention Sam and I are gay half the time. We wanted an epic. Gandalf showed us the way. Don't you see, Legolas? It's so easy." He smiled sadistically.  
  
Legolas looked to Catalina, Mercedes, and for some reason, Boromir. They looked baffled.  
  
"This whole time," he began, the realization dawning on him, "you knew how this would end. You knew the world would be destroyed, and you let it happen. Every time I tried to lead you right, you purposefully messed it up so you could have a good story?!? You're sick!"  
  
"Oh, of course you think so!" cried Sam in a booming voice, "all the fangirls just loooove you. What about Sam? When was the last time anyone wrote a self-insert about falling in love with me?!?" Everyone looked critically at Mercedes, who looked guiltily at the floor.  
  
"You were all going along with this story, pretending you wanted to save the world, and all you really wanted was an epic story in which the world was destroyed? Don't you know that the parody is the highest form of art? But no, it was all a lie. Aragorn's not really that stupid, and . . ."  
  
"Oh, Aragorn is that stupid," said Gandalf, "they all are in fact. You're the only one smart enough to realize how STUPID my evil plan was. That's why you're the only one who didn't know. Come on, I mean I convinced the Fellowship to make the story longer and more epic by ignoring obvious solution to our problems. Then at the end, tragedy strikes. You were the only one who could prevent it, and you nearly did. But now it's too late. You can't defeat the inevitable doom and the literary masterpiece it will produce. MWAHAHAHA!"  
  
"You haven't won yet," said Legolas, "I know what can ruin your story."  
  
"Nothing," said Gandalf, "Catalina swore she would spread a shadow on the world. Our 'quest' failed. The world is doomed. The story is magnificent!" Gandalf laughed a high, evil laugh.  
  
"Oh, Mercedes, my love. . ." said Legolas with a smile.  
  
"No! Not that!" cried Gandalf, "not the fluff! We're so close to having a tragic ending!"  
  
"You know I've always thought you had the most beautiful eyes. . ."  
  
"NOOOOO!"  
  
"And I want to marry you and make you a princess. . ."  
  
"AHHHHH! NOOOO! This isn't happening! I had it all worked out, it was to be a brilliant ending! Curse you, you've ruined it! You ruined everything!" with those words, Gandalf's head spontaneously combusted and great fuchsia birds flew out of his body. The traitorous members of the Fellowship who had betrayed the causes of truth and freedom in the hopes of a decent story were turned to soaps. In the years that followed, Catalina took over Middle Earth, but instead of a shadow, the intelligent and beautiful queen spread love and prosperity. Legolas and Mercedes were married and the fair elven princess and her kitty warriors lived happily ever after.  
  
"Man," said Legolas, "Gandalf would have hated this. A very stupid and fluffy end to a very stupid parody."  
  
The End 


End file.
